The Blood & The Bones

There are people in this life who will, without even trying that hard or even having to, draw you in. Sometimes it is fast and all at once like falling into water.  Sometimes it is slow like the last bit of honey from a jar.  But, in the end, the result is the same and you are matched together by something.  You flow like the words that rhyme in songs written about love. 

In this life you are the music to my lyrics.. 

You touch me without even touching me.  I can feel your presence on my body even now and you are miles and miles away.  It is like you were maybe always with me even when I was completely unaware of your existence. Did you softly hum to my heart for all these years and I just couldn’t hear you?  Did we both need to hurt and live and ache for more to finally find each other?  How does time decide when it’s right and places you in the path of your soulmate?

This lullaby of love inside me.. If only I could find the perfect words to grab and bring together, letters to assemble like how your fingers fit with mine. With punctuation like the way I catch you looking at me and verses that match the green of your eyes… If only I could find all of this to write out the lyrics that dance on my skin even when you are nowhere near me.  And maybe then you could find the notes of the music I don’t know how to write and sing them into the universe?  But even with all of that this would still not match the beauty of what this is. 

It’s been such a short time since we collided and it doesn’t make sense and I am learning that not everything has to.  I am learning that my body, my heart, my soul is drawn to you.  You are the pull I cannot resist.  You are the strings on the guitar I long to learn how to play just to write the song I’ve tried my whole life to find the words for.  You are the maestro and the music maker.  I am just here to learn how to love in a way that is free and raw like notes played on an acoustic guitar.

But you also scare me. This feeling scares me.  It is unknown yet familiar.  How do you explain to your heart that maybe it’s ok to not know but know at the same time?  How do you calm the rising tide in your soul that wants everything all at once but is scared as hell to dive into the water because maybe I’m going in alone and I can’t fucking swim?  How can you feel full and empty at the same time and accept that this will be ok for a while?  To believe you when you say it’s not forever but we are.  How can I tell you that I need to hear I love you one million times a day without you becoming accustomed to just saying it without showing it?  How can I tell you that I am so battered on the inside that only holding me every night for the rest of my life will heal me without laying the burden of what really loving me is on your shoulders? How can I ask you to be where I am in this life if you still have so much left to see? Can we see it together? Can it work that way? Can you love me through this while I watch you become the man you are destined to be?

It’s all a bit maddening.. the unknown. But I can’t give up because maybe I am here to learn how to live in your gray and maybe, just maybe, show you how to blend the edges of my black and white.

I don’t know how to end this entry. In fact, I think I can’t.  Too much is in the air right now.  But I needed to say that I’m all kinds of torn up and only your love smooths my edges.  I need you here to remind me that the undecided doesn’t equal uncertainty. I need your love song in my ears. 

Please come home.  

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