The Blood & The Bones

I’m sorry I forced myself on you.  That was never my intention.  I truly believed you wanted me but struggled with making the first move some time.  I thought my words were kindling, my actions gasoline to your flame. I sought you out after turmoil to make it easier on you.  I was wrong. I take the blame.

I wonder if you can choose your words more carefully next time, slow your emotions… don’t let people get so caught up in what you say if you are going to back out on it.. Don’t have your words be so definite if you’re really not sure.  It confuses the heart.  Maybe you don’t know you do that but you do.  What I was forcing I thought you wanted.  And again, I was wrong.  I’ll take the blame.

I never meant to ask more than you could give but what I was asking for should not have been so hard, for the right person.  I never meant to impose my way of thinking on you.  But, in time you may see, that we all can’t live with so much flight in our feet.  Some have to be more grounded than others.  Some have to think about how what we do today will effect tomorrow.  Some of us have been hurt so bad that we need to calculate our steps in order to protect our hearts and the hearts of others.  Having a plan, being on the same page, knowing it’s not all for nothing can be a form of self preservation.  I wish you could have seen that.  I wish you could have understood that I just didn’t want to hurt again. I want to love and be carefree but years of betrayal will take that away from you.  The right person will, sometimes over time, give it back.

I never wanted to hold you down, only to be your soft, safe place to land. I never meant to hold you back, only to love you enough to make you feel free.  It’s not that we need to look for these things in others.  It’s that sometimes someone loves you enough to be that when you need it… when you can’t be that for yourself.

I guess what I was forcing was what I mistakenly thought you were feeling too.  Perhaps that’s where the grey comes in.  Something is only forced if it is not naturally felt.  And, I think I know now, you didn’t feel what I did.

I really thought you loved me.  But, love isn’t grey.. Love doesn’t live in the maybes. Love doesn’t exist only outside of the blinders.  It’s there in everything you do if it’s real.

I wish you peace.

You don’t need to look here anymore.  There will be no more sad words about you.

:7