The Blood & The Bones

Excuse me while I purge….

….as I have so many words inside me right now.  They are bubbling up into my chest, spilling out into my rib cage.  My heart is enclosed within them and I can feel them in my throat as if I’m choking.

You came back.

That’s all I’ve been able to intelligently spew from my lips.  You came back.  Not just to the place we live.  But to me.  You came back to me.

And I’ve told myself I need to sit still and turn on the faucet letting the words rush out like a flood or trickle like a stream or whatever they want to do.  I just need to get them out of me before they consume me.  Or before I tell you. Before I break down and I spill all of this out to you.

And so I am here trying to make sense of it and the jumbled up mess caught in my windpipe and entangled in my vocal chords.

I’m scared.

I am waiting for the anvil to drop.  It is tied to my heart and is sitting unsteady on a ledge.  And it scares me that when it falls again, I will not bear the weight of it’s plunge. And I’ll be done.  The hope and faith to love anyone will likely be gone.  But, it will especially be gone for loving you.  That scares me the most.

Because, you see, I so want this to find it’s way to forever.  This is not a love him but situation.  This is an I love him.  Period.  The end.  I make no excuses for any part of you. I accept all of you. You accept all of me. Actually accept isn’t even the right word.  You are you and I me and that makes us.  It is pure.  It requires no modification as we don’t love in a way that depends upon change.  Not to who we are as people.  And that is something you cannot understand until you feel it and it fulfills you in a way you didn’t know love could.  I always said you shouldn’t look to love to complete your life but compliment it. But, you complete me.  There is an emptiness within me that is not there when you are near or when you are in my life.  I cannot describe it and I cannot imagine a life without you now.  I want to tell you about it somehow but I don’t want to force my love on you or these words that sit like marbles in the back of my throat.  I feel as if I’ve scared you away every time I have tried to. Even though in the beginning you professed and begged for forever so openly, now that it is something I want, it seems like too much to ask.  So, I grip them tightly and keep them close and it’s hard.  I haven’t loved like this, M.  I haven’t ever been so full of this feeling the way I am with you and it seems like my whole body is clothed in it.  I don’t know what do with it.  My arms are full of it and it’s spilling over and out of my grasp.  I don’t know how to keep it hidden like I’ve been able to mask my feelings before.  I cannot keep you a secret.  I want to tell the world that I’m in love and it is pouring out of me and into me, coursing through my veins.  It’s like an electrical current that can, at any time, be too powerful and take me completely down or light me up as bright as an independence day sky.  And it scares the fuck out of me. Because, your finger is on the switch and you don’t even know it.  So, I keep it hidden from you, from everyone.  I mean, I’m not even your girl.  I’m not even your girl.

Please don’t think I’m not happy.  I am happy.  But, it’s a timid happy. A happy with limitations because I’m scared and I don’t understand how I cannot reach out to you and pull you completely in without making you feel trapped.  I’m not here to trap you.  I am here to love you but am I not good enough to be the one you share an anniversary date with?  Am I just here to give you all of me but only get pieces of you?  Does what it means to really be together scare you?  Because the expectations can evolve, the love can be fluid.  I won’t tie you to the ground but instead I’ll be the steady foundation you can depend on.  The face smiling outside the airport.  The arms that wrap around you so tight your breath is hard to catch.   Please tell me you’ll let me this time.  Please tell me I’m good enough to be yours.

Please show me that you aren’t just filling your time while we share the same space.  Do you really need me, miss me, crave me, love me when you are gone?  Or am I just a warm place to land when the excitement of the road wears off?  349402 billion questions inside me as I deal with the unknown of this and the only thing I am certain of is what I feel for you and of your absolute and terrifying ability to potentially destroy me.. again. And how I feel like a secret.  A secret love not worthy of a title giving it no real weight, no real meaning.  I am trying to take it as it comes but it is scary, so scary for a girl like me.

I give myself to you again and you can completely shatter me.  But I love you enough to take the risk one last time.  Even though there are pieces of me I won’t find again when I try to put me all back together this time. I will never be the same.  And so, if you see me and I seem lost in thought just know that the words are there, all of these words, and I am trying so hard not to let them take over and scare you away.

LL.