The Blood & The Bones

Did I have your heart for a little while?  Or did you just have me fooled?

I keep thinking it was real for a bit.  Hoping.  The alternative is that you used me.  That I was a novelty.  Just a bit of curiosity.  And I’m not sure I could deal with that.  That would destroy what little hope I have in me.  That would surely dim my light.

I went out of the box for you.  I led with my heart.  You made me laugh and I thought, this feels so good.  And the hazel of your eyes was the only time I’d ever quite seen that color.  So, I kept myself open to the possibilities saying this was something new and exciting and whatever it was it was.

I laid my body down with you before my heart.  But, there was a kindness in you that could not be ignored.  I wanted to make you feel warm again.  I wanted to take the parts of me that I had cultivated through this year’s transformation and pour them into you because I know you had known the misery of a failed love.  The years of feeling oceans apart from someone you used to be a part of.    And then you said to me that I was the best part of your day and I fell so fucking hard I broke my ability to fight it.  And I owned it.  I welcomed it.  I embraced it and I waited.

I had no idea that your heart was under lock and key by someone who you couldn’t quite let go of.  I wish I had.  You eluded to it and it stayed there like a balloon with half the helium gone in a back room in my mind but I shut the door and left the window open hoping it would float away.  I should’ve gone with my gut on that one.  And now,  I wouldn’t have left pieces of my heart in another box of failed promises in that room bleeding in the dark.

Yes, I know you have to go for other reasons but I am cut fairly deep thinking of how, all along, it was her anyway.  I was just an oasis to offer temporary comfort.  And she is the desert you seem to trek through.  Maybe you see a beautiful, troubled soul.  But, I see a girl that craves your distant obsession but never intends on a full commitment to anyone.  I see a girl so lost in her own attention seeking actions that she cannot see the pain it inflicts on others.  I see a girl that cannot be faithful to her true self, much less a man.  But, you need to fall all the way down that rabbit hole again and truly get fucking destroyed to learn your lesson.  I can’t give you that knowledge. I can’t squelch your infatuation of what might of been. That enlightenment must be earned through pain.

I tried to say things the last time we spoke to ease whatever you might be feeling.  Now that I think back on what was said, I should’ve listened closer.  Your voice lacked emotion for me.  And I should’ve honed in on that. I said things that I hoped you’d disagree with about how you felt with her and how different we were but you didn’t.  And when I think about that it makes me sad.  Because maybe I believed you were one of the genuine ones.  And maybe I got fooled?  Maybe I don’t deserve one of the genuine ones.  Maybe I’ll just be tossed around and hurt repeatedly until I am but shreds of a former self with a numbness inside me that all the electricity and love in the world won’t be able to repair.  I am more than just a fantasy.  Will no one ever stay? The fact that I have to ask myself that question fucking scares me.  You have no idea how bad that scares me.

You didn’t feel what I felt.  You fought it.   And I let myself feel it too early because I decided not to fight it.  And now, it’s like I never existed.  I tried to tell myself you are likely struggling too, that you miss my voice, my random messages, my presence but I don’t think you are.  How could you be missing me when you have her?  When you always did?  When I was but a present physical entity because hers was far away?  When my attention was just something to fill the gaps when she didn’t need yours?  It makes me feel sick to my stomach to imagine I might’ve just been a warm body.  I pray that you meant the things you said.  I pray I wasn’t just available when she wasn’t.

I hope she doesn’t wreck you again but part of me hopes she does just so you’ll set those memories on fire, gather up the ashes and tuck them away like a cremated loved one.  And move on.  Move forward.  Move beyond the ghosts.  Find your true Persephone because all darkness just doesn’t suit you.  You have to find a way to ignite the light in you.

LL.