The Blood & The Bones

That feeling just sits there.  In the back of your throat.  You cannot cry right now.  No, you have to hold it in.  Hold it down.  Force that smile.  Everyone thinks your beautiful.  That you handle the chaos with class.  But, inside, you are melting.  You are slowly seeping into a puddle of yourself or whatever is left of you.  You have to pretend though.  You always have.  When has it not been like this?  There are moments when it’s tolerable.  There are moments you forget but those moments fleeting.

So many people have taken their pound of flesh.  So many bits and pieces.  It’s like you stand there full of bullet holes and you think people will notice as the wind whistles through the perforations in your being but they don’t.  No, they are too caught up in the way you changed your hair.  In your lace stockings.  In your funny one liners.  All carefully chosen to hide the fucked up pile of nothing you feel like.

One day I decide to accept myself.  And the next I know it just isn’t feasible. I make people believe I am whole but I am but ashes of a person.  And I don’t know where the whole of me ever was and who set it on fire and reduced me to this.  Was I ever or is time just working backwards for me?

Hoping for clarity, I saw a darkness ahead and I reached for it.  Maybe I could embrace that side of me I had choked down for years. I had decided to bathe in it but it spit me back out too.  I can’t even find solace in that.  So, where do I go?  Where can I be my true self?  What the hell is my true self?  Seriously, I don’t even know.  All I know is I give and I give and I transform and I transform and no one stays.  No one.  What’s wrong with me?  What am I missing? Why can I not be good enough now.  Why must they leave to see my worth?  Why must they miss my body’s warmth, my honey sweet attention, my stone walls they successfully scaled just to find the door back out as fast as they could?

Why, God.. Universe, fucking whatever exists beyond this?? Why?  Why doesn’t anyone see through this charade of strength and fortitude to discover the girl who never really felt unconditional love that stays.  Why can’t someone find the beauty in all of me and never leave?  I am dying here.  I am dying and no one cares enough to revive me.  Thirty something years of feeling like I’m drowning and no one will save me.  Don’t give me the love yourself.  Save yourself.  I CAN’T.  I’ve tried.  I just want to be loved.  God, I just want to be loved. Stop hurting me.  I just want to be loved.

LL.