M –
I have to bleed this out now so be patient with me. It won’t sound like poetry or prose. It may not even make sense but it is all that I have to give you now.
I have tried to be patient, understanding, empathetic and all the things I could try to be for you during this period of your life where nothing seems to stick. I have thought so much about us the last few days since you and I saw each other again. I have thought about what you said to me and what you didn’t say. I have thought about where we both are in our lives. I have thought about what we both want and desire. I have thought about how strong I’ll need to be to say this and how sad I am to know that it has come to this.
There is a big difference between 30 and 37. At 30 you are still figuring yourself out. At 37 you have a better grasp of what you want. And, I know what I want and I know that I don’t have the patience or time to continue to pour all of me into a person who might just up and leave again. The unknown is too great with you. The anvil is always teetering on the edge. I wait for you to leave each time. You have already left me more than I can count. You are so intense when you want me and so detached when you’ve had your fill. After all I’ve been through and all I’ve given to, not just you, but all the men I’ve loved, I have so little of me left that I fear if I keep going down this path, I will disappear completely. I want to take the bits of me that are still there.. the sweetness, the good, the purity and I want to build a foundation with someone while I build myself back up to where I should’ve always been. I deserve happiness. You deserve happiness. Everybody deserves to be happy. And my search for a future with you seems to be a roller coaster I need to get off of because the happiness only comes in waves but that means the emptiness does too.
I need you to understand that I believe in your journey and I believe in your heart. I believe in the need to find your truth. You see, I do not measure triumph in possessions but rather in the way others feel around me and the way I feel inside at the end of the day when I know I’ve done my best. It has taken me years to understand what it is that I need and what fulfills me. But I know now. And so, I believe that you must identify what is fortune to you. How will you know when you’ve finally made it? Once you decide what that is I know you’ll already be halfway there. You just need to figure out what you’re running from and what you’re reaching for. I need to take myself out of that equation as it hurts far too much when you think it’s me and then you change your mind in either circumstance. When you run to me or from me you take. Little bits of me dissipate. I cannot take the hits anymore. My soul is tired of the push and pull. My heart is too sure of what it wants to live in the clouded chaos of your grey.
I’m sorry, no, I’m not sorry…. I will not apologize for what it is I need to make me whole. But, I wish things were different. I wish you had the desire to build a life with me now. To stop running. And I could keep waiting for you but I think the losses in the interim will be too great when, not if, you up and leave again.
I had hoped this last time you meant it but my heart told me it wasn’t the same. You are not the same. I fell in love with a different kind of man than you exhibit yourself to be now. There are glimpses of him, like when you really want me, when you turn your mind off, when you lay beside me, when you play your guitar, and when you are with your children. But, then there is the colder, distracted version of you and that is a side I don’t love. That is a side I cannot be with. That is a man that speaks in riddles and avoids definitive answers. That is a man that pulls away from me and it’s as if I’m invisible. And we both know I deserve better than that.
I crave consistency. I crave dependability. I crave maturity. I crave something substantial and unconditional. I crave a man who is sure of his path. He will understand that there are curves, potholes, yield signs and red lights. But he is confident of the path forward, of the destination and an idea of the way to get there. And he is absolutely certain that I am there sitting in the passenger seat, wind in my hair and his fingers laced with mine. This is what I must have. This is what I cannot compromise on. This is what you are not ready for. And so, because I love you and I know that my pressure can only hinder you instead of help you, I must let you go. M, if you cannot give this to me now, today.. if you cannot start our lives together together right in this very moment then I have got to separate from this. It is killing me and all the light I have left. I need that light or I won’t make it.
And I know you won’t have the words to give me that will be true enough to make me believe you mean it this time. I’d listen to all you had to say but I don’t think you’ll say it. So, I must be the one who declares that this can no longer be. That there will be no possibilities for us. That our future will not be together. Because, what can I do at this point? You have no clear answers. And I have no more soul left to give you without taking it from the last bit of myself. M, you are so dear and special to me. I will always think of you with love. I will always know that I gave you the most of me .. more than I’ve ever given anyone else and I don’t regret that. Please know that I carry pieces of you. I carry the stones you gave me within me. I know that you meant what you said when you said it but you let your head convince you otherwise. And so, you played the game to lose and you did because I must let you go. You have to seek out a new hand and start again.. Place a new bet. Wager carefully. Grow and prosper and learn so that the loss of me results in a win. And so that you might learn to play for keeps.
Love ever so and always.
LL.
~ letters to ex lovers ~
The Blood & The Bones 
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