The Blood & The Bones

You say you just lose interest. Ok. That’s fine. Honestly, I lost it awhile ago. I lost interest in the back and forth. In the careless handling of a good heart. In the letting the mind always cast shadows on the heart. In the letting the maybe of ready rob you of the certainty of happy.

I reached out today just because.. because all I have wanted was friendship but that wasn’t enough for you. No, if I wasn’t bolting up the door of my heart to you, waiting for you to use it as a doormat then your interest faded and you were already halfway down the road. Running. Always running. Glimpses of your presence like smoke but never a constant.

I guess I’m seeing the true you now. I have seen bits and pieces all along. I believe the medication probably made you softer, more collected, kinder than your true self. Maybe that’s what’s changed. The facade wore off.

You know, the funny thing is, I truly don’t want you. Not this you. Stubborn, abrasive, defensive and cold. No, this isn’t the man I met. The man I gave my heart to.

I just thought of you today and, no matter how you have you have pushed me away, I was sad for you being away from the rest of your family. I didn’t reach out to bring you back into my life. Just to say I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

And every second I am away from you and every time I think maybe today you’ll be the kinder version of yourself that you used to be I am continuously proven wrong. The time I gave you was never earned. The pieces of me you collected were never really deserved. What a mistake. The real truth is, you never deserved my kindness. You never deserved one minute of my attention. You never deserved me. No, you will never deserve a love like mine until you start giving as much as you take.

I hope you find someone you want to use as a home and not just a temporary shelter. Someone who gets to the real you and loves who that is. I know it’s not me. And now I know I don’t want it to be. That’s the beautiful thing about realizations and letting go. Suddenly it all just makes sense. Suddenly it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Suddenly you truly believe that you deserve better and you know you’ll never again allow someone to convince you that you should accept less.

LL~