The Blood & The Bones

You caught me.

For a moment the front had fallen and I looked into the sun and I wished for the clouds because.. Because then I could blame them.  But the brightest star hung steady.  I felt it’s failed attempts to cling to me.  To try to deter the storm.

And you saw me with my guard rested praying for the something that even I can’t identify.

I think you saw the thunder there in my falseheartedly happy eyes.

And so you asked — Are you ok?

And even though I knew you’d exposed me

I just said — Yes, I’m fine.

But fine is however you interpret it so there are not lies in my delivery.  No denial on my tongue.

I am fine.  For now.

But tomorrow or Tuesday or Thursday after next, I don’t know. I’ve held on for so long that I know the time is coming.  The dam is cracking.  The water pushes against me, heavy and willful.

And I don’t know if the cement of my courage, the power in my flawed design, is meant to withstand such a force of the storm that’s coming.

I know the levee is breaking and control has been weakened by this life for I have tested my resilience and I know it’s unsettled, vacillating.

Crumbling.

I have tried to look past it.  To gather the sunlight.  I have tried to find the peace within the blessings I have been dealt but it eludes me.

And so, the barrier is decaying and the resolve I had is fading.  I am too tired from pushing against the wind not to embrace it.

But for now, I guess, I’m holding steady.

Yes, in this moment, I am fine.

LL~