The Blood & The Bones

This won’t be poetry… just need to get this off my chest.

How can I tell you that I don’t want to love you anymore? That it fucking hurts?

How can I tell you that I know you’ve never been fully into this?

How can I say that I know that everything that I am isn’t really what you want?

How can I say I think you’re only with me so that you won’t be alone? That I pushed myself on you and only recently have I realized this?

And how do I make myself let you go?

I have held us together for as long as we’ve been going in this circle. I have grasped tightly when I could and by only my fingertips when it was the only grip I could manage. Just to not lose you. Just to not let you lose me. Because there are times when you say you love me and it’s so incredibly believable. And then there are times when your words hold no weight. They float from your tongue like helium and I reach for them to keep them, to weigh them down but it’s useless. And there are times when you so openly admit that the way I love is not in the way you desire. Making me feel empty and as hollow as your words. I can never just love nonchalantly. I have too much fire in me.

In loss you see a clarity you may not have ever known. And it’s made me see that I am not for you. That my love is just an anchor. That it will never be a sail. And, that if I truly love you, I have to let you go so that you may fly. In this I am keeping my promise because it just meant I loved you enough to break my own heart for your happiness.

God give me the strength to do what I know I must.. this is the only prayer I have now. I’d pray for him to stop me but I know he won’t.

So, how do I tell you I don’t want to love you anymore? That, because it hurts too fucking much, I don’t think I want to love anyone anymore..

LL