The Blood & The Bones

We took a lot of road trips. You played a lot of music. Our tastes varied so much but I always said one good thing about dating was all the new music you get introduced to.

I took note of the ones you played that seemed to resonate with you. And, during the many times we were apart, I listened to them on repeat to feel closer to you.

This was just one of the many ways I tried to learn about you. The guarded man who swears he is not guarded. The man who lets no one in completely. The man I could never really get as close as I wanted to. Not unlike the others or myself, your stones were piled high around the surreptitious parts of you that you didn’t even know what to do with, let alone show them to anyone else. But, I guess I loved that about you too. The way you kept parts of you for only you. The same way I did. While it seems I give all of me all the time I really don’t. I can’t. Because that’s how things like unrequited love or people who never intend to stay cripple you and splinter the pieces of you that are good and pure. That’s how they break you. I held a little back. I always do.

But I was all in when it came to loving you. You asked me what that meant and I couldn’t put it into words the way I wanted. No eloquent elucidation flowed from me like usual. I just said you were always one foot out the door. And I meant that. But what I also should of said is that being all in means loving all of someone, even the parts you cannot see or do not care for. It’s showing them you need not doubt their love when it is a raging fire or just a glowing ember it is still there. And although you may not feel as ready every day as you did the day before or that you will tomorrow, you’re still here. Still holding on. Still happy. Because doubt fucks up love every time. Doubt makes us worry and question everything. Doubt kills happiness..even when you are the happiest you’ve ever been. And to love a man who makes you doubt so much is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

And, yet, I still do.

Today, as it rained this one seemed appropriate. And although it was never intended to be for me. I pretended it was.

LL~