The Blood & The Bones

Sometimes I won’t think of you for hours and then the missing you will hit me in waves
Like a blow to the chest, I am struck by the absence of you.  I try to snap out of it.

I try not to think of the way you felt.. the way your eyes held me. Or the way you made me feel, in the end, like I had been a thing you could not rid yourself of quickly enough

I try to block out the memories, the good, the bad, the in between. You would think the bad hurt the most but this isn’t true. It’s the good ones that burn infinitely. Because they are fading and there are no more to be made.  And they did not make you stay.

As I sink into the depth of you, I remember that you aren’t thinking of me. That the missing of me is nothing to a man like you.  The space has been filled with new lovers and distractions.  Whichever is easiest to obtain and then discard.  Filling the spot before it even got cold.

And in that one moment, remembering I am invisible to you. To a man that once looked at me like I was everything.  In that moment I cannot breathe.

The weight of your vacancy crushes me which makes no fucking sense.

Because how can someone who is gone be so heavy on my spirit?

But you are.

It is obvious the heaviness I carry… these slumping shoulders and heavy heart and all the like…weighing me down even when I am not in the thick of it.  I carry it unwillingly because I cannot put it down.

I have tried.

I wish you’d leave me. So that I may gain some clarity, some ability to even see another in the way I once saw you.

But you won’t even though you have.

And this is where the connection becomes a tragedy instead of a thing that made me feel alive.

And most of the time I get scared that this love will kill me

Or that it already has.

LL~