The Blood & The Bones

This is not poetry.

This is a confession.  One for my own sanity.

I am a smart woman. I am logical.  I am realistic.  I think with my head but I trust my heart.  My intuition is crazy accurate and I do not miss much.

And now that time has passed, my mind goes back to the little signs that pointed to their presence… maybe with the hair in the sink, the way your house was suspiciously reorganized and my toothbrush was put away, the calls from the Polish girl and the way she stalks me even now, the things I saw on social media, the dirty looks from the girl at the park that day, the ex who would not go away, the flirting with the waitress as I was standing between you two, the car in your driveway, the calls, messages, texts from other women who were said to be just friends. The way you could just explain away anything with a few lies and a kiss. The way things would never quite add up.

I knew then and I know now that it wasn’t all innocent.  I knew when someone else was making an appearance, even a brief one, into your life because you’d go cold on me.. you’d back off.  I knew because my guts would get twisted up the first time you touched me again after.  I knew because I felt your departure and I felt your return.  I allowed it.  I tried to believe you and I let you to have access to me again because I craved you every second I was not with you and I knew you craved me too.  So, I’d make my way back again hoping each time it would be different.  Funny thing is, you never even asked.  I sought you out each time.  I came back to you hoping and somehow knowing you would want me for a little while again.  You wanted me to forget the things that happened or pretend as if I didn’t know what was going on but you never acted in a way that would help me.  You were always doing something seemingly shady… something to make me think I wasn’t the only one.

Do I believe you were intimate with another while we were seeing each other from September until August?  No.  Do I believe you tried?  Yes.  Do I believe you said or did inappropriate things?  Yes.  Do I believe you betrayed me on all levels except intercourse?  Yes. Do I desperately want to believe it’s all in my head? Yes.

Because when we were together, when you were mine again, you loved me like I was the only woman alive.  So, why?  Why go to such great lengths to make me feel desired, adored and happy just to pull it back from me again and again and again?  Maybe this is why I cannot let go.  Because, it’s almost like you were living a double life but the one with me was your favorite.  And I don’t know how much of what we had was real and how much was just to pass the time from one new interest to the next.  The good times were the best times.  Irreplaceable and unerasable.  We were the happiest.  And with you I felt at ease in a way I never have. I felt your calm too. At night, laying in bed.  I felt you settle into me and surrender for a little while.

And, yet, I have asked you so many times to just come clean. I begged you.  Even after breaking me, you won’t.  You said that day that you were leaving before you destroyed me.  But you ruined me well before that.  I think of our last night together and how I cried until I had no more tears.  The night I sat on your couch waiting for midnight so I could fill my car up with gas and leave.  The night I sat there, knowing when you said you didn’t care if I was in your life or not, that you actually meant it.  It was not just said out of anger. You had pulled away from me so much after that time we spent together, just us.  I felt you detach that fully night.  I felt it in my bones that you were running for the last time.  And I felt myself dying inside.  That was not me on that couch.  That was not me crying until my eyes were swollen.  That was not the girl who loved you so unconditionally.  That was just a corpse of who I once was.  That was your creation.  That was what was left of what we had disolving into the night.  That was me forever being damaged in ways I don’t think I’ll ever repair. That was me admitting that I could not save us or you.

And you never even said you were sorry.

And while I could hate you for all that happened, I know that my behavior wasn’t perfect.  I know my defense mechanisms might of made you second guess my commitment.  You told me so many times, we can do this for now but if you find someone then I want you to go be with them.  Imagine a person you love saying that to you?  So, I wouldn’t let myself believe that you were going to love me forever.  And you never acted as if you would.  There were times when you might’ve said it.  Fuck, I still have the texts but I don’t think I ever believed you meant it.  I told myself if I could just find someone else the way you said I should then I could let you go.  So, I had the dating profiles and I’d try to let other men talk to me but it was only because I thought, if I could just meet someone who would love me, I could forget you and stop letting you hurt me.  But, at the end of the day, it was always you..  And when I’d make my comments about this can’t last or we can’t be forever or when I’d push you away, become emotional, question your feelings for me… it was because that was the only way to control when you left.  If I could just be in charge of your leaving then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  Then it was my idea all along with no one to blame but me. But, in reality, I prayed things would somehow work for us.  I prayed I’d never lose you.  But, I did.

I asked your friend that night if he could tell how much I loved you and you loved me and he said yes.  I asked, then what is the issue?  And he said you were scared.  But he never elaborated.  I wish I knew what you were scared of.  My only guess is that maybe it was just being loved.

I know all of what you did or tried to do and yet, I still love you.  And, if you asked me, I’d probably give you another chance.  This logical, realistic, smart woman would throw it all to the wind just to know your love again.  I hate this about me but I can’t change it.  I have tried. I have cursed my own self in the trying.  I cannot let this go. Yet, I know by our conversations since that you are well over me. And my heart tells me maybe you have reached back out to the ones you think understand you.  Who feel the way you do… or maybe who won’t feel at all and so you can simply do the same. To seek solace in the easy. To not have to do better or be anything more than what your selfish hearts wants you to be.  To never feel bad for not being all in because she isn’t all in either and never will be.

You’ve let me go but then again, did you ever even have your arms completely around me?  I don’t even hear you in my head that much anymore.  You said we were twin flames and I used to believe that but now, well, I guess I don’t.

Sadly, I will probably always and forever wonder what could have become of us.

And, so I say all of this to try one more time to confess and to be free of it.  I don’t know how to let you go but I’ll keep trying.  It’s all I can do.

LL~