The Blood & The Bones

A few months ago I committed myself to writing more, to seeing this book through. This week I didn’t know what to write about because I had a lot of stuff just swirling around in my head and it was hard to pin one thing down and try to express it.

But I’ve made an observation and before I cut it down to a size just right for a book about love and loss and the way we grow through it I thought I’d share…. You see the thing about me is, I don’t do small. No small hair, no small talk, no small love, no small anything. I wear my hair brightly colored with the curls wild and untamed. I don’t do well in a lot of social settings anymore shying away from people who have no depth, no layers to explore and who will force me to talk about pleasantries and the weather.

And, the truest of all is I cannot love small. Once I’ve decided to let myself descend into the depths of it, my love is bigger than even I imagine sometimes. And because of this, when things don’t go as planned, I cannot let go so easily. I try a little harder, I hold on tighter and I imagine that where my fingers are grasping is just where you need them to be to keep it together until you can readjust your grip. And I won’t let go until you tell me that you no longer desire to be held.

This is just the way that I am and there’s no reprogramming me. I’ve tried. It doesn’t always work in my favor. In fact, most times it doesn’t as I often hold onto things that have long since let me go. But, even knowing that, I cannot decide if this is good or bad but what I do know for certain is there aren’t many like me. And I suppose, for the man meant for me, he’ll see past the big bright hair, the big blue eyes, the too big mouth.. He’ll find my need to talk deeply about things like his past and our future and the stuff that scares me the most and he’ll discover beneath all the layers I so diligently arranged carefully and cautiously, an oversized heart just waiting for the OK to love big and hold on tight to the right one.