The Blood & The Bones

I’ve been on social media a lot today… my mind does not do well in quiet so I’m always trying to find ways to fill the deafening silence with something, anything that will drown out the chaos. And, it’s worse when I’m heartbroken.. much much worse. Because my brain tries to convince me if I were more like everyone else I’d be happy. Some days I wish things were simple. Some days I wished I’d met a boy when I was young and had kids and picket fences and got excited when we got a new vacuum cleaner. But that was never me. Instead I spent my 20s running from my life, living out of country, traveling and falling for a long list of men who never knew how to love me back, want only me or make me want to stay. And now I am 38, a single mother, trying to get through the day to day, trying to raise a man, trying to figure out how to keep it all afloat, trying to quiet the doubt in my mind because I’m so different and I’m so lost and trying so hard not to love someone who seems like maybe they realized they’d be better off without me. I can truly say I never wanted to fit in but I never imagined it would be so hard.. Or that being the fucked up person, the cloudy minded outcast with all the love of a thousand hearts that I am would make life so lonely. And I don’t know. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be the girl everyone wants me to be or if I’ll ever have the love of a man who understands me and I always wonder if I’d been a little less of who I am and a lot more of what they said I should be then would I feel like a castaway the way I do now? But is it better to be lost and lonely but true to myself than one of the sheep?