The Blood & The Bones

I still look for your name

In the likes

In the messages

In the missed calls

In the texts

Don’t ask me why

I don’t understand it either..

LL~

You did pop up the other night.  I don’t know why.  But I just sat there looking at the message.  Just an ok in my inbox.  Nothing more. I didn’t respond.  It took a lot not to but I let it go.  I got off the merry go round the day you called me names again.  I discovered a lot of things in a short period of time.  Lies upon lies.  Or, at least it seems that way.  But you were so fucking convincing.  So, how do I even know what’s real and what isn’t?  The things you said seemed true. But the things she says, the pictures, the posts are proof that whatever you were telling me wasn’t all you should have been.

I don’t know.  I don’t even know why i’m writing this.

I don’t even know why or what or when or how about a fucking thing anymore.

There are glimpses where it seems like shit is improving.  but, is it?  Do I not still cry into my pillow aching with fucking loneliness?  Do I not still dream of you?  Do I not still crave you?  Do I not still wonder why I was so dumb to believe it all? Do I not wonder how such an intelligent woman can fall for such ridiculous bullshit?

You could’ve just left me alone.  I was one of the good ones.  And you should’ve just kept scrolling.  Kept it light forever.  Instead you had to make me think I’d found someone who saw the world the way I did.  And then you took it back and you smothered it in lies.  Over and over again.  And after what he did to me.. what they all have done to me.  You just took your turn, I guess.

And yet, I’d still fall for it again. I know this.

And that is why I didn’t answer.  You won’t push it this time.  I can feel it.  You’ll let it go as I have.  And for that, I am trying to be grateful.