The Blood & The Bones

Why?

Well, a lot of things didn’t add up with you but I kept trying. Kept believing. Eventually I got tired. I got tired of going to bed not knowing where you were. No goodnight to end the day as I could not end it with you. I got tired of pouring my heart out to one word answers. I got tired of feeling like a bother. But, mostly, it was anger that tore us apart. I got tired of words said in anger, your all consuming anger, that could never be forgotten. Things that whittled away at the threads of self worth I clung to.

One wrong word said and the trigger was pulled. The mad would burrow into you then. Taking over and leaving me to ask how I made you so angry? And all the apologies I spilled repeatedly when I had only spoke about the hurt you caused. The names you called me.. the accusations. And then, eventually, leaving me with unanswered messages… leaving me in the dark. Crying myself to sleep because I’m not sure what I did wrong this time to be ignored.. to maybe be discarded. The weight of it was unbearable. So much time was filled with worry if I had lost you. And for a little while, I always did.

Your anger consumes you. There is nothing I can say in those moments to bring you back to me. I tried so hard. I stood there taking the bullets. And when you finally loosened your grip and it loosened it’s hold on you it always left you with empty spaces. And I just can’t fill those voids anymore. Because I am left with wounds too and no one to care for mine.

You said I love you more times than I can count but you didn’t show it. The only emotion you ever consistently showed was anger.

So I packed it all up, this love, this hope, this waiting and I left it on your doorstep. You will find it there when you are looking again and I cannot be found.

And I will find a place where happiness is allowed for me too. Where anger doesn’t ruin whole days of the few we could have left. Where anger doesn’t cost me everything.

LL~

#thebloodandthebones