The Blood & The Bones

I want to cry out. To lose my cool. To not be so calm and collected anymore. I want to beg you to tell me why you didn’t mean anything you said. How it all could change in an instant. In the blink of an eye.. just gone. And how I know that real things are not so easy to let go of. Which means it was all just words.. just pretty promises so easily made with no intention of being kept.. I was just a thing to get caught up in. A temporary place of comfort. A distraction.

I want to ask you why I, the girl you said you’d always wanted to find, had to be a casualty of your internal war.

But what good would that do? I’d just embarrass myself. And maybe seem crazy to have gotten so swept away in all of it. The whirlwind. The tornado that was you.

It would be pointless to say that I feel as if something inside of me is broken forever like a clock that just stops ticking. Like I’ll never trust love or anything fucking close to it again because it never stays. It just comes in like an intruder and wrecks the place and then it’s gone and I am left to clean up the mess it’s made.

And so I don’t. I just let you go. As I have let them all go. With no trouble. No need to worry about me. I pretend to be brave, to be ok with being thrown away. So it hurts you less, I leave you in peace. I fade away.

Even though I pray that I’m wrong and that maybe it was all just too real for you and that’s why you got scared because you knew you weren’t ready, that you couldn’t give me the best of you yet and that I hope someday you can but, we both know you never asked me to wait. Never gave any indication that there was a place for me in one of your tomorrows.

And it would be useless to say that I am ashamed that I feel this way when I am the only one who felt it.. just a fool who thought it was real, who almost fell in love and who gave all of me to, once again, watch it be thrown away.

LL
the blood & the bones