The Blood & The Bones

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. It’s been 3 weeks to the day. There are conversations playing out in my head I’ll never have with you. Things I’ll never get to tell you about what you did… and so I write. I write like I always do ..letters that never get sent. Words that never get read.

I left you in peace and peacefully. You’ll never even know just what this did you me.

It’s not that it was an earth shattering love. It’s not that our bodies fit so well together. It’s not even that there was a lot of time shared between us…

Do you want to know why you are so much worse than the others? Why this time hurts so much more?

It’s because I told you what they did to me. I told you that I was terrified to fall in love again. I told you how heartbreak made it hard to be a good mother some days and how it made it impossible to love myself. I told you how I had been used and discarded. I told you how I didn’t know if I had it in me to ever go through it again. I told you how I had to protect myself from all of these things until someone came along that was worth taking that chance again. And you swore, you fucking swore to me that you were different. You swore to me that you weren’t like them and you swore to me that you would never hurt me. You promised. I remember it from your lips. I remember how I said to myself just one more time and it would take. That this was it. You made me believe that there was really a happily ever after for me.. that I had to go through all of that so that I could find you. That it was finally my time to be happy. You gave me the desire to call on that last bit of hope in me. And I did.. I did because I believed every promise that fell from your lips.

But you never meant it. You changed your mind like I was nothing.. easily pushed aside.. like I was not standing there in front of you begging you to be what you said you were, to keep your promise. And for what? Because you got scared? Because you weren’t ready? Because you decided I wasn’t enough? No, it’s because you are a goddamn coward.

You are not like the ones before.. you are worse than all them because not only did you break my heart …you broke my hope and I know now I will never be the same. Irreversibly changed. I can’t recover from this because I truly cannot trust that anyone will ever mean what they say.. that anyone will ever not hurt me in the end.

The only thing that could fix it would be for you to come back and prove what you said but this will never happen. And even if I ever thought you deserved another chance you moved on almost immediately as if I were just a blip on the screen. A bump in the road. I wasn’t even worth a goodbye. And so I saw myself out. I shut the door. I put the key under the mat. And I wished you well. For I could not watch you move forward while I stood still full of the shrapnel of your rejection.

And you’ll never even know.

Congratulations to the forever over achiever. You did what none of them could ever do. You broke me.

So, you win..

You win.

LL