The Blood & The Bones

It was hard after you .. I won’t lie.

The purpose you helped me find.. the reasons to treat myself better, they left when you did.

I tried to use it as motivation but I couldn’t. I tried to turn the hurt into something more than a terrible ache but instead all I’ve been doing is drowning. Slowly. For hours that became days that became weeks and then months.

I tell myself tomorrow .. Tomorrow I will catch my breath. I will make a way to breathe again. I will pull myself out of the water. I will swim towards the light.

But I don’t. I am still here treading deep down beneath it’s surface, submerged in my weaknesses and sinking. Still sinking.

And I get scared to even go places you could be for fear that you will see that I am worse, not better. That the reasons you gave me were not mine to keep.

I wanted this in the beginning. To run into you somewhere, someday. With happiness on my cheeks and love in my eyes, a new and better me to show you loss, to prove you wrong. To let you see that I could be beautiful too. But, I failed .. I dipped my toes into the water and then I slipped and the weight of me, the sadness, the pain.. it pulled me under and I am not a strong swimmer. I never was.

The part that is the heaviest, that weighs the most, is the shame. Like rocks in my pockets pulling me under. I am ashamed that you might’ve been right about me. That I was not the keeper to be kept and there’s just no way around it. I am not enough.

And all I want to do is be better but I forgot how.

So, I keep sinking. Heavy and helpless. Alone and afraid.. Not what you wanted. Not someone I want to be.

LL