The Blood & The Bones

We ended with I’ll see you when I see you ..

But I what I wanted to say was..

I don’t understand how this happened. Just a few thousand words and I am here sitting under the weight of your absence. Like a rock upon my ribcage. How can missing someone be so heavy? I try to pull my chest in. To catch a breath and yet I feel like I cannot.. it’s constricted, restricted, resistant.. held down by something I cannot see. I don’t even know how you remove such a thing other than begging you to look my way again even though I know, for now, you must only look straight ahead.

Because I looked at you and knew that you were stretching your arms out for the universe. I saw the stars and planets colliding and being pulled into your net. I was not a fool. How could I be? I knew the big you needed was bigger than me.

I wanted you but have you ever wanted someone that you knew was not ready to stand still? Someone who had 1000 miles to go before they could ever reach you? Someone who must walk until his shoes are worn and his books are full and then maybe… maybe.

I don’t want to run away from that or you but I don’t know how to carry it. The weight of knowing how far you needed to go. And how, right now, if I tried to catch up, to keep up, I’d be left behind. It is much greater than the heaviness of missing you. Which one could I really withstand? The lesser of two evils. The loss or the man.

I know that you have ages to go ..to explore.. to live.. to write.. to breathe.. to love.. to touch.. to fuck.. to hurt.. to find out who you are meant to be before you can be mine. And my heart knew this. It was a feeling of unrest, a screaming voice I could no longer ignore.

So, I will sit here under the weight of your absense and I will not regret what I helped you decide. I wanted to hear so much from your lips I knew could not come. I wanted to go with you but for now I know I cannot.

So, I am here and you are there and these separate places are where we must be.

I want the biggest of big for you. Even if what’s left behind is me.

LL