The Blood & The Bones

Barely 20, two kids, then three..then one day two more that weren’t even yours. All these brothers & sisters & me somewhere in between.

My childhood is a messy blur as I watched you two fall in & out of love. Never complaining when we’d move every year, when your fights were terrifying or when the kids at school would torment me. What was the point of bringing it to your attention when the beatings I got at home were my penance for my existence. Instead I wrote poems & stories I begged you to read. 1st place & academic accolades you never cared that I received. Trying so hard to get your attention. School plays never attended. Straight As on all the report cards until I figured out I’d be the only one signing them.

Got a job at 15 & paid rent. All my money spent. Holes in my work & school clothes but wanted to help. No time for college plans. No one to show me how to believe in me. And still, I waited, but you never picked me.

Fours years down & countless bruises, first one to ever graduate & the day after you made me leave. Not even 18. But I told myself I’d be ok. Sleeping in my beat up car, looking at the stars scared I’d never amount to anything. I remembered when you said there were places you wanted to see but you’d been too young when you had your babies. I did my best to see them for you. Sending postcards & pictures. Waiting for calls or visits. But still you never picked me.

Birthdays & Christmases never missed & tried so hard to make up for it when they did.

60000 miles on a two year old car, 5 hours behind the wheel every weekend but you never picked me.

All my youth gone & halfway through life & all I wanted was for one of you to say you were proud of me.

But I don’t blame you because what love had you ever received that you didn’t have to fight for? But if you had just looked at me, just once really look only at me, I could’ve shown you just how worthy of it I still thought you were, despite everything. But you never did.

So, I looked for the love I never felt in so many places I never should have been. Until I realized, even if you won’t, I can still pick me.

And then one day, all the love I ever wanted, I found in his eyes. And I swore he will never have to ask mommy, why didn’t you pick me?