The Blood & The Bones

I watch the phone as it rings. I don’t press any buttons. Your number memorized. I wait and I wait until the sound stops. And then the world turns again.

But the truth is..

I want to hear your voice.

I want to say yes, ok, let’s runaway.

I want to get lost in the winding roads of a town you decided would be our own.
I want to sit with you on the porch while the sun falls into the earth and take you in as you sip your end of day whiskey.
I want to smell the fire on your neck from nights of baring our souls by the heat of it.

I want to watch as you realize I am your peace, your refuge, your home.
I want to lose count of the days with you.

I want to share books with you and coffee cups and a last name.
I want you to never finish falling in love with me.

I want to be the hand you reach for when the last day comes and the light grows brighter ahead..

But, the other truth is..

The rotten festering reality that I did not want to see..

I will never wake up next to you.
I will never see the morning sun. lighten the color of your eyes.
I will never watch as your fingers fold a million times into mine.

I will never set a place for you.

I will never feel you pull me into an embrace to dance in the kitchen as the cicadas sing their love song.

I will never hear you take off your boots and drop your belt before the rustling of the blankets as you slip in behind me.

I will never wear flowers in my hair or throw them in the air on the day we become one.

I will never spend hours in bed with you making love and laughing, praying for the day to never end.

I will never place your hand upon my belly full of your unborn child.

I will never watch as your hair becomes more salt than pepper and lines cradle your eyes.

I will never count the days with you as our days were always already numbered.

I will never know you beyond what we had. What we had and what I thought we’d be is the only for better or for worse that will be burned into me.

And so, I will go on with this life with only the what might have beens. Nothing more. Not even a maybe.
Because you are not mine…
And you never will be.

And this is why I cannot answer when you call.

LL

the blood & the bones