The Blood & The Bones

It’s the chase I crave, I need.

When I pull away ..

.. and they follow.

When I put distance between and they speed up to catch me.

And I don’t want to make you believe that this is ok. But I know this about who I am and for better or for worse, I can’t seem to rid my head and my heart of it.

I don’t want to admit that it makes me feel wanted again.. when I put them to the test. Often coming from some change of tone or energy I decide is the beginning of the ending. So, I open the door and let them know I might leave just to see if they will ask me to stay… hating that I need to know that I am wanted or I will believe that I’m not. Since the silence is too loud, even in the smallest of in betweens, telling me that I am no longer desired here. That I am too much. That I ask for more than they can give. And so I detach myself and hope that they will beg me not to. Knowing that if they don’t, I will be gone even if I don’t want to really leave.

A lifetime of being pushed away will make you this way. Unsure of distance even when it’s just a small gap. Enough to make you ruin it, to risk something you’ve waited forever for because your own mind tells you may be no longer wanted here. Over time it would become less of a thing with enough words to convince me that I am a want forever and not just a for now play thing.

I wish that I could fix it or that they would know this about who I am so that they could see it coming and step in front of my urge to flee.. locking the door before I get to it. Seeing the run in me and speeding up to come out in front so that I am never in the lead.

Or that I could tell them openly.. I need your reassurance to make a place for me.

But it seems that I can tell them anything but this and it’s a shame I cannot change it. For what I leave behind sometimes often did not want to be set free.

the blood

& the bones