The Blood & The Bones

Dear God,

it’s been so long since I have come to you like this
overwhelmed..defeated.. uncertain…
I want to pray for understanding
for a lighted path to something far from all of it
to tell me why they are all the same
why this world is burning
why the good gets thrown away
why we live to be afraid
and out of desperation I wanted to plead with you
to show me the way
but I see now what I must do
instead of begging you to make them any different
I must find the light within myself
the acceptance
the saving grace
and if I am nothing more than this
than jagged pieces
than hurt
than good intentions
than something used
discarded and often missed
than falling and failure
and struggling to get back up again
than perseverance and empathy even when I’m utterly broken
and forgiving the unforgiven
then I will be all of it entirely
without regret
or sharpening my edges
or shame
and I will be as I am
as best I can
with love

Amen

the blood
& the bones

I cried. I cried for the first time in so long. And once I started I couldn’t stop and even the sun, who was perched high was exhausted of it and moved down in the sky to rest. So then I wept in the light of the moon. I cried for love lost, for the world and for those running for refuge. I cried for myself and for my child and for you and for them and so much for him. I wept for what fear has stolen and for the regret I know will follow. I cried and I prayed, and I rarely pray anymore but I did for all of those things and more.

And I try not to pray just to ask for something but desperation makes you do desperate things.
I felt lost and confused, I still do really, and the only solution I could come up with is to just try and move forward continuing to be all that I am, flawed, broken but with love and good intentions. To spread light to as many people as I can. And hope someday it will make a difference for someone.. that someday it will be enough. That someday someone finds something in me they can’t live without. That what is meant for me does not leave but if it gets lost for a bit it comes back and stays. That no matter how much I have to endure that I am able to make the world a better place.

LL