The Blood & The Bones

There is a life I want. It’s very clear to me. It was not shared with anyone beyond a certain point. I was ok with it.

You are here now and I am not sure where you fit. I never was but I was rewriting it as we went along as best I could.

Even as I am still unsure that there is space for anyone else, not just you. I know this is a flaw of mine. But life gave me no other choice than to imagine alone as the most viable option.

And I think you want to be patient sometimes. To even make excuses to see it through. But I’m not sure your space is cut for me either. Maybe it is only shaped for someone make believe or someone who has left you.

I know I was everything you wanted once and then I became someone who might not compare.

So you see the conundrum we are caught in? And we ask ourselves, is this enough? Is this it? Is this as good as it gets? It was so good once. Wasn’t it? Before reality set in. We ask the question anyway not realizing that having to ask is the answer.

I wanted it to be you. I was willing to continue the rewrite, to carve the space. But not if you couldn’t take this as is not only accepting it in its current state but feeling luckier than anyone else for having it. I felt it missing right away and acted accordingly. Walls went up. And I was at the gate unsure of why I’d ever expected otherwise. Hope can be a trickster. So cunning, that one. But your doubt and even something like disappointment was seeping through your pores. You said as much in other words. And I felt it in every gap. I sat with it in that tiny space.

And part of it, I know is that I never felt good enough to begin with.

But maybe you pep talked yourself into believing, as you do, that I could be your one because of how it was before or because all the others had gone or also had not quite fit.

But that’s not how forever goes. Not when you know what isn’t being said. What being settled for feels like.

I wish somehow you could convince me otherwise. I’d let you try I think. I’d listen if you said you were momentarily scared, confused, mistaken. If you said to me you are better than I ever imagined. I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer that the love was there, that I was happy, that this was not a mistake. If you said again I cannot, will not lose you or this.

You don’t know to say this and I can’t tell you. Telling you takes the truth from it. But what I know is this.. if love was ever really shared, then maybe your freedom should be all I have left to give.

the blood

& the bones