The Blood & The Bones

i was yours
completely
and all the while
you were
everyone else’s

the blood
& the bones

I gave right down to my marrow. I was all of yours holding nothing back for myself. I thought this was the way. And while now I see this was my first mistake, as I was so focused on making sure you knew that I belonged to you that I missed the signs that you were never all in, I know it is in my nature to be like this. How could I stop what is so intrinsically a part of my character?

Giving the whole of myself in an earnest attempt to show that I am worthy. Look what I am presenting you with. Look how vulnerable I can be, look how much I can take, see that I am different from the rest, please love me. I dare not ask for everything but give me what you can and I’ll feel lucky for every bit of it.

How sad it is it that I thought this was the best that I could hope for. Damaged goods who could not ask for more even when sometimes I knew I was not the only one hoping someday I could be.

I was naïve thinking that love was only good if I asked for less or looked the other way. I loved all of them in this way until one day I didn’t.

I had become threadbare with heartache and giving too much of myself. So perforated from all that they had taken. I went the other way with love and I gave it to no one.

And I don’t know which is worse, honestly. I was trapped whether I was giving it or not.

And then eventually, through so much inner work, I realized that love is reciprocal. And that I don’t have to be the only one giving or fighting. But when you’ve had to fight tooth and nail for every ounce of love you’ve ever known you don’t understand that love can be free.

I took a sledgehammer to all I’ve ever thought about the way love is supposed to be and feel. I tore down the impression that it had to hurt. I rebuilt on that rubble as a foundation.

I could write whole novels on this transformation. And I’m still in the thick of it. I don’t know if I’ll ever not be but I’m trying. I know I’ve started later than most but I can see now that love can be pure and good. It can heal. I just have the choose the right one. And I have to choose the one that chooses me.

#healing #towriteaboutlove #selflove