The Blood & The Bones

monster.

Some days I don’t know if I fight the monsters
or if there‘s a truth I can’t outrun
that I am one

the blood
& the bones

I wake up.
I read the news.
I check the posts.
I can’t not do these things. Morbid fascination? Preparedness? My duty as a human being?
Each day it feel as if I am just checking to see the status of the decline. To see how far we sit below the mark today. It used to be a slow descent and now it seems we can watch the world falling right in front of us.

There is a constant battle in my mind to understand myself and the human condition.

Has reason, kindness, empathy been bred out of the human race? And is it better to be this way? Is it some sort of evolution to prepare us for the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?

And am I any different from them, from those who trample others to get what they want, knowing how I so fervently wish for pain to fall upon them?

Is this the way most of humanity operates? Is this the way we all feel?

Does this make me like them? Which side do I fall on because of the urges I feel?

Or am I flawed because I can’t feel what I’m supposed to when I’m supposed to anymore? Pain, sympathy, happiness, regret. It comes and goes so often when it’s not supposed to. It can be anchored to the wrong things when it arrives but there are times when it won’t come at all. I have made a life of seeking that numbness because it seemed to be a necessity. So why can’t it all leave me completely?

But if it must be here, can it not be consistent and can it please sometimes be more good than bad? There never seems to be a balance. More hurt, more misunderstanding, more doubt than anything else. It pulls me down so quickly. Why does the hard stuff arrive suddenly and spread like wildfire? Why do I, at times, need to feel everything so profoundly and at others not at all? And why did I ever think this would make living easy? Are we all randomly desensitized? Are we all constantly in between a place of too much or too little or even not at all?

And am I really a monster? If so, am I the one who made me?