The Blood & The Bones

we share this really safe thing
that feels as I know it should
or at least I’ve been told it should
when it’s healthy
but secretly or maybe not so secretly
I miss toxic
I want what I probably shouldn’t..
my panties cut, my face red, my hips bruised
to be pushed against surfaces not meant to hold bodies
painful edges pressing in while I am entered without saying I’m ready
I want to be made to watch
to be forced to see how much I love it
how I crave the shame of the act
and how it shows me that I am wanted in an unruly way revealing that desire got the best of him
it makes me feel not just comely but exhilarating
a notion getting older rips away slowly
but then it’s gone before you’ve noticed you should grab hold of it
I wish I had the worlds to explain
I have said it all, been careful and danced around what I wanted
been blatantly honest
but nothing changes
he loves me harder sometimes
but it still has that tenderness that’s unfamiliar
sometimes unsatisfying even when I am satisfied
because I don’t feel like a whore for wanting it
I know well enough if I were to leave this comfort
this asylum of softness
I would regret it
damning myself for ruining a good thing
but would I ache for it the way I do the other side of being wanted?
the forbidden side that makes me feel dirty and used
beautiful
and sated

the blood
& the bones