The Blood & The Bones

They tell us that the universe began with an explosion of space itself. The Big Bang. It’s fascinating, if you believe in that sort of thing.

I always thought we came from something in between. From creation, from science. I cannot settle for one or the other because I think I’ve never been sure of anything.

But did the universe combust for me?

Where am I in all of this? Or is that selfish?

Is it selfish to wonder still when the sky is falling and most are oblivious. When they tell us eventually we will collapse in onto ourselves.

I can’t think of that. Not while the pages of books, the curve of a mountain, the tender hands of time have labeled me as restless.

I was born with questions. I was born to ask.

To search, to touch, to recoil. To feel and beg to be left alone. To seek deeper than a mind goes. To lack true connection not for want of effort but because I am an alien in this land. I am the speck the universe created with no canvas.

I am foreign for all I think about is motherhood’s guilt. And what must be lost to be found. And if a writer is meant to be forgiven? Or if a painter is meant to see the world without a frame?

The books tells us what to believe. Am I to cease asking? Or judge only the sins I can name?

God said on the 7th day to rest. Created us in his image.

But did he say somewhere..somewhere I haven’t had the understanding, the enlightenment to read just yet..

That he made some of us so imperfect. So wretchedly flawed that our hearts and minds are sponges. Uneasy. Born to seek until our legs give out?

And what we look for probably doesn’t even exist.

Is this what the fallen angel felt? What a waste.

Did God know that we, the ones set apart, were so very wicked for not wanting what wanted us back and that we must reach a certain tier of pain for redemption?

Maybe this is why people turn to Buddhism. At least then you have a goal.

Is there a verse on festering cuts, of dry deserts and fired ravaged forests where we keep trying to build a home, of voices we can’t quiet? Ones that say go here, that’s where it is.

Where can I read it?

Does it teach us how to wait? To tell my soul that this is it. This is where I was always headed. This is what we feel to feel alive.

And to stop asking ..stop wondering how many levels it will take to silence the mind of one who was brave enough and foolish enough to want to know everything?

the blood

& the bones

©️thebloodandthebones