it’s not just youI just wanted you to knoweventually I alwaysturn the lockpull down the blindsswitch off the porch lightI once used to beckon you homeand leave a note on the door sayingI’m sorrybut you can’t live here anymore the blood& the bones

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I used to look for you.. I searched for you in kind eyes, in calloused hands, in weight that pushed my body down into the bed. I saw your dark hair in crowds and your painted skin on men who were distant cousins of who you’d been. I smiled and I gravitated to them. Praying…

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I think of you between dismal and disaster seated patiently, calmly, everlasting as I rocked the boat holding onto love that I always tried to drown, to sink, to destroy an anchor a sail I never believe I deserved the blood & the bones

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I mean it to be a whisperbut my lips screamfuck this noise in my headhands in my hairI say it with trembling gritted teethlike I could fight itif I could just steady myselflike I wasn’t scaredlike I knew what to believeor like I could runfrom a mind clutteredwith ashes and staticbut you can’t break freefrom…

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I am not myselfand yet I am no one elseI am floating in between nothing and too muchand I am not sure where I’ll land the blood& the bones

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there are gentle girls full of grace smooth edges and stable ground happily confined in a picket fence content with more or maybe it’s less pulled together so perfectly and then well, then there is me the blood & the bones

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I have gone into the night looking for it for seedy sins and ways to feel something again for reality and rough fingers splitting apart the slits in me fucking me into feeling the dance of hard metal against my flesh as it grazes and digs and the simultaneous exploration of a soft tongue wet…

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what is the point to believing that anyone is different when their lips all move the same and the words they give you never change just the voice the blood & the bones

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pushpullpushpull they wait for me to open the doorwhen what I wantwhat I needis for themto kick it the fuck down and force themselves through the blood& the bones

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a whirlwindoverloading my sensesblindfoldedtaking vision out of playyour tongue tasteslike a whiskey serpentsplitting my mouth openwiping awaysalty tears from myreddened cheeksand your lipsso cool against mineas my backside burnsfrom punishmentand my thighs squeezetogetherclenching and holdingthe pulsating miserythe shameful needto have you fullyand unmercifullytake me the blood& the bones

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